Brain Power with Dr. Eko

Autism Parenting, Burnout & Finding Peace as a Parent | Joké Durojaiye

• Dr. Hokehe Eko

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0:00 | 32:16

What does an autism diagnosis really mean for your child, and what should you do next?

In this powerful episode, Dr. Eko sits down with Joké Durojaiye, mother of a child with the autism spectrum, certified life coach, and author of Unmute Yourself.

This conversation moves beyond the diagnosis to address what parents truly face: uncertainty, advocacy, daily care, and long-term planning.

Joké shares her lived experience navigating autism, including early signs, diagnosis challenges, therapy decisions, school advocacy, and raising a child with both autism and medical complexity.

This episode offers clarity, encouragement, and practical guidance for parents at every stage.

What You’ll Learn:

• What an autism diagnosis can mean in everyday life
• Early signs of autism and when to act
• The emotional impact of diagnosis and how to process it
• Why advocacy in healthcare and school systems matters
• Practical strategies for daily care and building independence
• How structure and routine support autistic children
• Why parental self-care and asking for help are essential

Listen to the full episode on your favorite podcast platform and check out the video version on our YouTube channel!

CONNECT WITH ME!
If you want to schedule an ADHD/Autism appointment for your child, you may contact Glow Pediatrics:

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📧 dreko@glowpediatrics.com
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💼 LinkedIn: hokeheeffiongmd 

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to life and welcome to our podcast today. This is Brain Power with Dr. Echo. I have an amazing guest with me, Miss Joke Durojae. And I met her as um as a mom of an amazing boy with autism, but you know she's way more than that. And that's why I invited her on here today to share her amazing story with you. Welcome to the podcast, Miss Dorojae.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you, thank you, Dr. Eko. I am so glad to be here. Thank you for inviting me. Um, you want me to introduce myself? Like I said, my name is Joker Drojaye. I'm based here in the Seattle area. I am a mom, mom of three amazing children. Um, I have two girls that are my kids are like going into their adults, and even Eli, my baby, is almost an adult. He's turning 18 this year, and he's the one on the autism spectrum. And yeah, that is just our life, and we're life in. Uh, beyond that, I am a certified life coach and I call myself a business therapist. I am passionate about helping women um who have talents to actually start afraid to monetize their talents and do business on purpose while living their lives. That is really my passion where my joy lies.

Writing Grief Into A Book

SPEAKER_00

I love it. Doing business on purpose, right? Because that's that's what life is, right? If we can't do it on purpose and we can't find the reason we are here, then what's the point? Yeah, and you forgot to mention that you also just wrote a book.

SPEAKER_01

I did, I did. Unmute yourself, yeah. And that book is um, it was my therapy, I would say, because 2025 was for me a year and a half. It started fast and furious, and there were just layers of grief, loss, and all kinds of hardships that I didn't know where to put, and I decided to write a book, and that's where I channeled my energy and found myself in the process of writing that book. The title is Onmute Yourself, and it is Dear 25-year-old because this series of letters to my younger self. You know how people tell you when uh somebody you lose a loved one and they say, Hold on to the memories. They don't tell you how those memories show up. And for me, it was a wave, and it was an ending wave that I decided to put down as words that became a book.

Soft Life Means Peace And Boundaries

SPEAKER_00

Wow, that what a way to take what's is painful and what's upends your life and turn it into something that can inspire. That's truly amazing. Because I read the book from cover to cover and truly I couldn't put it down. I was like, I just kept going and going and going, and I even underlined some places which I love to do in books because it was just that good and just um an inspiration to me to unmute myself because I used to be the quietest, quietest of the quietest in the room, like hiding behind everybody and everything in life. And so, yeah, so tell us a little bit more about the book. Like, where I like I like I loved chapter 11 where you talked about stepping to your soft girl era. So tell us more about that.

SPEAKER_01

You know, the soft girl for me is we we always think about oh, the soft life, the soft life. And I think the soft life for me is based on peace, first of all, finding my peace, and that means we're being more intentional about what we bring into our space. My space is filled with love and it's filled with the people that I really want to do life with. You know how they say you are the sum of five people that you hang around, right? And I find myself being more intentional about that and bringing people into my life that actually I don't have to pretend, I don't have to perform. And if I say no to something, they understand that this means no. And I show up for them, they show up for me. I am enveloped by love, I'm surrounded by real humans, and that is the beginning of a soft life for me. That I don't have to do things I don't want to do, I don't have to go where I don't want to go, I don't want to talk to people I don't want to talk to. I can chart my own course, create my own life, and find spots of ease for myself. And when we talk about moms of um special needs kids, I have heard it described as liking to go into war like a soldier because you're we are on constant alert. Eli is not only on the autism spectrum, he's also prone to seizures. So when I have to show up for that guy, I need to be at my top game. Therefore, I have to take care of myself first to make sure that I'm fully showing up for him, and that's a lot of where my soft life lies. It's not so much like, oh, I'm going on vacation. Yeah, I do love a vacation, I do love a spada. Spa days are my things for days and for I can do that every day if I had the opportunity to. But it is, I think it's a lot of why. Everything I do is a there's a why behind it. And my why is that I need to be able to show up fully when Eli needs me, when my kids need me, they don't need me as much anymore as he does. But just taking care of myself first, I go on retreats every year. Just me, I just need time alone for myself. When I'm home, I shut my door and nobody comes in. I'm just resting, I'm just chilling. I can be in bed just eating bonbons and watching Netflix. That is that is my time as a mom. And they understand that it's not because I'm ignoring them, but I am taking time to recharge and refill myself so I can always be there to show up for them fully.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Oh my goodness, this is your permission to eat bonbons and watch Netflix.

SPEAKER_01

Watch Netflix, do whatever you need to do to recharge yourself. As moms, I think that we we get lost in the mommying, and especially with um moms of special needs kids, it's all evolved at the end of the day. You are exhausted, and how who is pouring back into you? Because you keep pouring, pouring, pouring, right, and then that thing becomes empty, and we become resentful, and you start to snap at people, and they have not offended you. They gave nobody is going to give you the permission to do what you need to do for yourself. You have to give yourself that permission, right?

Burnout Proof Business On Purpose

SPEAKER_00

I love it. Yes, parents listening, give yourself permission because you're absolutely right. We we literally can't parent. I was doing a study on the word parent, and it means in Hebrew, it means teacher, right? So, how can we teach our kids if we haven't taught ourselves? And how can we teach ourselves or allow ourselves to be taught by God if we haven't taken the time to do it, if we haven't given ourselves permission to even take the time for that? So, absolutely, it's that's so important. And I was listening to um someone talking today, and he said the definition of success is peace. And I said, Yes, not even money, not prosperity, not all of that, it's peace. Because if you lack peace, how can you do anything constructive? It's it's impossible. So I love I that's why I wanted you to talk about that chapter in particular because it's so critical to our well-being as parents, as human beings for us before we become parents, right?

SPEAKER_01

So, yeah, yeah, and you know, as a business owner, I we all started out. They always tell us that business is the escape and it is the thing that will help you build wealth. Yes, it can be, but it can also be all-consuming. And I was in that space for a while when I started my home staging business in Seattle area, and it's like I just like go, go, go, go, and I completely lost myself in it. Burnout from both ends, just burning out because they say you leave your nine to five and you become a what 24-7. I was that person. I'm like, wait a minute, this is madness because I am in charge of my schedule now. My calendar is not tied to an employer, I am not being given the time to come to work. Why can't I design, fully design what I do, how I do it, when I do it? And that's when I stepped back and I put myself into coaching. Like I had somebody coach me and I became a self-coaching student, and that's when I decided, oh my gosh, this is working so well for me in helping me design the kind of life I want to. I don't care. Some days I'm like, I shut my calendar, I don't want to see anybody, and it's because I'm the boss, I'm the owner of the business, we should be able to do that. And I can work when I don't want to work, I can I don't want to work, I work, and I the and there are times when I overwork. It's always there is real, no real balance in life, so we have to be forgiving of ourselves on those days where we have to do the thing, and sometimes family suffers, sometimes the business suffers, but we're always constantly beating ourselves up on the choices that we make. It is what it is, and I don't know how to worry about things. I think I was given the gift by my mom not to worry about things, we didn't always have much, but you would never know from that woman because she just showed up like everything was fine and dandy, and that's kind of how I have been conditioned to live and not have to worry about things. So, yeah, as long as I have enough to pay my mortgage, I have enough to eat. I I'm not gonna kill myself to run after anything. What is for me will find me while I'm eating bonbons.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I love it. Wow, you're okay. Don't eat too many bonbons, but yes, you can eat bonbons. Wow, you're eating bonbons. Isn't that the truth? Right.

SPEAKER_01

Stop eating bonbons.

Daily Survival Mindset For Caregivers

SPEAKER_00

I said it's okay, just not too many. What's the definition of too many? Okay, that's a whole other story. Oh my goodness, that is so true, so true. So, for the mommies of children with special needs or special abilities, all of the above, right? What would you tell them? Because I know from talking to you in the past, you it's been an it's been a process, it's been an evolution, learning how to adapt your life, how to adapt to um your precious son and and your your family. So, yeah, let's let's talk through that so that we can because you're a wealth of knowledge. The last time I talked to you, I was like, Oh my goodness, you have to come share.

Practical Routines For Hygiene And Home

SPEAKER_01

Oh my gosh, go, you know, as the spirit leads, as the day, and I you know, you can't dwell on anything if you dwell on it, it becomes so daunting, it becomes so heavy, and you become paralyzed that you can't even make the next move for those children, for yourself, even. And so for me, it's I wake up, put my feet down, and I'm just like, okay, what next? What is life throwing at us? And we just deal with it as it comes, and then worrying so much about these children, Eli is not fully self-functioning, and we taught him from a very young age. The most important thing to me was that he is independent and able to care for himself, functional skills, and then came um the pandemic, and it's like everything is ever known was stripped away from him. We like starting from ground zero to start to build the skills again, and then came seizures, and then our focus shifted to survival instead of like you know building him up, getting I mean, we still work on that, but when you when your child is has a life-threatening um things such as seizure, it's okay. I I am not um worried about oh, um, is he brushing his teeth two times a day? Is he wearing his pants backwards? Like his pants are on, I really don't care. He's wearing two different socks, I really don't care, you know, and then helping him, and then the the thing with um, I'll give you an example of this. We used to go to the dental office where they had a special needs unit that they would give him a secluded room so that he can have a quiet space to get his dental work done, not dental work, but just checkups. But they will, it's like we were going there to just hang out because he won't let them do anything. But we kept going and they even allowed us to come like every month as often as we want to, just to get him used to the idea of dental hygiene. But every time we would go there, they walk in his mouth. They as the furthest they will go is look in his mouth and they're done. And he's like, nope, I'm done. I don't want, I'm like, it's fine, let's go. And the pandemic then came, and I was like, okay, we have to continue dental hygiene. He's not able to fully do brush his teeth properly like you and I do, but he has the routine of doing it anyway, however he wants to do it. And I had to learn to just remove my eyes from it, like instead of worry about oh, he's not doing it right. I just dedicated every Sunday. Okay, so dental hygiene, it is I recommended you do your teeth cleaning every six months, for example. And I'm like, okay, we can't do that, obviously, pandemic, and he's not gonna let them do anything anyway. I said, okay, if we can't do every six months as professionals, I order dental tools, dental kit from Amazon, and I just dedicated every Sunday to dental cleaning, and that's all that we do. So even if he's not brushing his teeth properly Monday to Saturday, on Sunday I get in there, I do what I can do. As a novice, I'm not a trained dental hygienist of for whatever, but I can do what I can do, but I'm not gonna worry about the things that I cannot do, you know.

SPEAKER_00

So I love that, yeah. Finding the places where you can what you can do and doing them, and I like that you schedule Sunday, that gives you time, right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so something is uh yeah, it's our grooming day, you know. I cut his hair because it won't let anybody touch his hair, it won't let anybody do anything. But I'm like, I threaten him and he sits down and he lets me do it, but nobody else can do that for him, yeah. But I mean, if you have to, um my hope is and and the thing is the thing that I say I don't worry, the only thing that worries me is yes, I am they call me the Eli whisperer because I can make him do anything that nobody else can do. But what if I'm not here? So trying to teach him how to be self-sufficient, how to do all those things, and how to integrate himself into society is crucial. Like he's turning 18, he's no longer protected by the school system, he's going out there in the world, so it's become a different game for us. Um, most people, when their children get to adult age, I have two other kids. When they get to adult, they are independent, they're driving, they're going to college. They're my first child now lives in Italy. So it's it's a thing of he's not going to do that. And so, what do we do to make sure that when he gets out into the world, that he's going to be okay? And it's a lot of filing this and filing that, and even just kind of helping him transition into easing him. When he you tell Eli what to expect, he does better when the thing comes. And in a lot of special needs kids, the the parents or the caregivers can really easily find out what that is for the child. For Eli is do not spring any surprise on him, do not change his routine suddenly, he's not gonna go down well. So finding those little pockets of ways to cope and using them is what I would say.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, no, that's so important. Thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yes, like I I suppose what you're talking about is setting up gardenship for him and all of that as he becomes a DSHS, all the things we got, you know, state ID versus somebody going to get a driver's license, he got a state ID and those kinds of things, yeah.

Turning 18 And Planning Adulthood

SPEAKER_00

Right, right. That's so helpful. So I'm gonna go back to the beginning when you first found out Eli had autism because that's a place where I see a lot of parents really struggle because I do the medical diagnosis for autism, and so it's it's always a difficult visit, most times, but when they hear it and they're trying to process it, and I know there's some grief that we need as parents, they have to go through because, of course, that's not what any parent is expecting. So, what can you say to parents who are listening who maybe they are in that place where they're still trying to wrap their minds around what this means, what the diagnosis means, what's happen, what's gonna happen for their kids. What would you say to them?

Processing An Autism Diagnosis

Advocacy In Hospitals And Medical Notes

SPEAKER_01

Um, I think that a parent looking at their child will know the onset of something not going right. And that's where we were with Eli was like just under two years old at the time. And I noticed that he wasn't, he had started to pick up words and then he suddenly stopped using them, he stopped talking, and he would not look at you in the eyes, he would not do all those things that they test out. So we went and I told my husband, we need to go and get some, you know, let's see what's going on. And when we got the diagnosis, it for me, I knew something was going on, something was wrong, something, something wasn't right. I never wanted to talk about him as something is wrong, but we knew something wasn't following the natural order of how we've seen our other kids grow up. And we went to the Center for Autism in Seattle, like one of the best places you could be. We were in the we are in the right place for them. And the for me, the diagnosis process was very weird because within five minutes the doctor was like, Oh, yeah, he's autistic. Can you tell me why? Can you tell me the science? Can you tell me I need to know? I understand that something is going on, but just you telling me this, it's not helping me to figure out how, when, why, what next, you know. So, but so we were in denial. I less than my husband was because he was just like, he's talking rubbish, you know, and a typical Nigerian parent, how we were conditioned and brought up, like anything that's wrong with you, just shake it off. It's nothing big deal. You don't need therapy, you know, and so I was just like, you know what? Let's be objective here. Yes, this diagnosis, the way he delivered it, is not what we would expect. It's not professional as far as our cost concern, but obviously there's something going on. And then we went to get a second opinion from a child therapist, and the experience was even worse. So it's also just being at peace with what is, whatever it is, and we knew that okay, we're we're in this for we don't know how long is this going to be, we don't know kind of help. So we started to do researches on our own, and we started to reach out to other experts that gave us some hope in form of therapy, and we did all the therapies and all the things. My point is there is there is hope, there is um treatment, there are all kinds of things out there, embrace it and early detection, just like God forbid, cancer, early detection, it helps to get you your child into the right spaces. And then in the schools too, you have to be the big one for me is the advocacy, be an advocate for your child, not just in the school system, everywhere they go. For example, we were in the hospital, children's hospital, Seattle Children's for like seven days for a seizure study in 2025, or maybe 2024 into 2025, and an incident occurred where Eli had been given a shot. At the beginning, they gave him some kind of numbing medicine before they gave him some medicine that burns when it goes into your veins. Even anyone will react to that. So they had given him, they explained it to us, they gave him the numbing thing. So when they gave that to him, it was easy to go in. And then a few days down the line, they were going to give him the same medicine, but they did not give him the numbing thing, and we didn't know what they were giving him. And he fled up and he jumped out of the bed and he was screaming, and they were holding him down. And later, when they were writing the report, guess what they wrote? The patient. Was violent towards the nurses and the staff. And I said, absolutely not. You're going to subtract that from his report and you're going to report exactly what happened in truth. How the negligence of your staff led to his agitation and reaction. It was a reaction. It wasn't just, he didn't just flare up. This child had been in this hospital for how many days? You didn't hear anything. And suddenly, so we have to be in front of those kinds of things, especially as a young black man, and you're putting violence in the front of my son's name. We're not going to have that. So it is the standing up for them because part of the book that I wrote, Unmute Yourself, is unmuting myself, not just for myself, but for my son who has no voice, because it's considered non-verbal. So we have to be able to speak on their behalf. So that's why that book is so crucial to me that it's not just about me opening up and speaking out, it's also because of the person I'm speaking on behalf of. And so many women like me who need to speak not just for themselves but for their children.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Oh my goodness. So, mommies, everybody, get this book.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because it's a it's a real reminder wherever you are, advocating for your child, advocating for yourself at work, advocating for yourself at home, talking to your spouse, talking to your kids. I need rest. I need, I mean, it affects every part.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

School Advocacy And Documentation

SPEAKER_00

Taking time for fun. So that is so important. Yes, we as parents, we're our kids' first advocates. We're the ones who know our kids best. When I see page parents, I say, don't apologize for anything. And say exactly, I tell us the health professionals what exactly is going on because you know your child best. So if somebody tells you something that is not correct, find another doctor or stand up like you did. You're absolutely right. So, and it's so prevalent everywhere.

SPEAKER_01

So, and it's not just in you know the medical field, it's also at school. I couldn't tell you how many times I've had to, I don't fight, but when it comes to my children, I go all in because there was a time as well, he's been amazing. Reports every day. Eli is doing so well, he's so compliant, and then one day reports started coming in, like, oh, he ran out of class, he did this, he eloped. I'm like, okay, what is going on? What changed? What changed? He's looking up to me like what changed at home. Nothing has changed at home, but what changed at school? And they were like, Well, nothing. And then I went in to observe, I sat in class within less than five minutes. I figured out what was going on. There's another child there that was screaming her head off non-stop. She couldn't control herself because it's a mixed class of different abilities. And I'm like, that is the problem. How do you not know this? And the solution they came up with was they were going to remove Eli from that class and isolate him. Like, absolutely not. He's not the one that is disturbing anyone. He's not going to be separated. You need to remove this child from this class and put her in it. Where you were going to put Eli, that's where she belongs.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Yeah, you're absolutely right. School, I mean, every every every area of our children's lives in sports, in in all of it, we have to advocate and stand up for what's right. Yeah. And without fight, I tell my parents, when you're going to go ski, just go sit in the principal's office with a smile on your face. I say, I'm not leaving until you answer me. Write all the buzzwords.

SPEAKER_01

I go in person, I talk, and then I write it in an email because I need to document everything. I use all the buzzwords. Eli is in an unsafe environment, he's agitated, and this and that and that. And I put it in front of them. And like, what are you gonna do about it? And they created a separate class and removed that child and put them there instead of Eli. If I hadn't spoken up, they would have done what they needed to do. And he's being victimized for something that he did not do.

Your Dreams Matter And Accepting Help

SPEAKER_00

Right, yes. And I love what you you pointed out. The question that is always asked is not what's wrong with the child, is what happened. What happened to Eli that his behavior went from amazing to I mean loping? Like that's a drastic change. So that's always a question to ask. It's not what's wrong with the child, it's what happened, what happened, what happened, and yeah. So, no, thank you for sharing that. That is so important. So, um, this we could go on and on, no, but um, as a way to wrap up, I'd like to ask my guests, what is one um one last tip you have for parents that are listening? What would you like to share?

SPEAKER_01

I would say that especially moms of special need kids, your dreams also matter because I decide I have a lot of things that I do even uh with taking care of Eli. And it comes with having good help and support at home. I would say embrace help as much as you can and don't put yourself on the back burner because you also need to serve yourself in the ways that make you light up. I know that I have all these ideas and things that I want to do. I'm a home stager, I'm a life coach, I'm this, I'm that. And I really want to lean into all the things that I enjoy doing that light me up and the assignment that I have. Eli is part of my assignment, but I also have an assignment that's bigger than myself, outside of myself, outside of my family. Whatever that is, that's why I like to coach women who are creative, who have talent, uh, in a way that they can, if they want to monetize that talent, there is room for you to do that. There's always there's a we are multi-layered humans, but when we decide that we're just like this caregiver and nothing else, it takes away from who you are because before that child came along, you were something, you there's something that lights you up, and it's important to keep that going for yourself, not just for yourself, because when you keep that going and you are able to express your creativity, it actually gets better because then you can show up fully for your children and for your community and the people that you've been called to serve. And when people look at my life, they're always like, People, a lot of people don't know my story at home until I wrote it and put it on blast. And then people are like, How are you doing all of this and doing all of that? And I'm just like, I don't think about it, I just get up and I go. So there is um, you are more than one person, you're more than a caregiver, you are more than a mom. Whatever it is that you want to be, you can still do it regardless.

SPEAKER_00

I love it. Yes, you are a whole human being. Yes, you have dreams, you are somebody, you're not just this or just that. So you can be all of them.

SPEAKER_01

So many, you can do so many things. I am a girl, and I love the soft life, I love to travel, I love to decorate, I love to teach. I'm doing a lot of speaking engagements like this podcast. So there's room out there for you. Anything that you want to do, don't feel limited because, because, because, yes, and asking for help doesn't make you weak.

SPEAKER_00

Asking for help doesn't mean you're a bad mummy. Asking for help doesn't shouldn't be looked at as oh, I can't afford that, because literally your life cannot afford not to have help. I understand you need the help, so it is not a cost, it is an investment into yourself, and yes, along with eating bon bonds, you have permission to ask for help.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, and I wrote all of that in the book. Like, you know, we always think about help, like, oh, can I afford it? Is it expensive? But when you look at what you are losing when you're not getting that help, because I have been able to allow myself to open up to help, I've been able to expand myself beyond my wildest dreams. So there is no help out there, maybe it's from family, maybe it's resources, whatever it is, get it, use it, it's there for you. And then people want to help more than you know, but you have to ask and you have to be ready to uh be willing to let go of some things too.

Where To Find The Book And Services

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. So step back. I love it. So please tell our listeners where we where they can find you, find your book, find out about your coaching services, home staging. If you need your home stage and you're in Seattle, please call her.

SPEAKER_01

Oh boy, I I uh you know I wear many hats. The home staging business is based in Seattle. So if you're in the Seattle area, genesishomestaging.com. And if you're looking for Instagram, you can follow me. It's business therapy with joke on Instagram, and um on YouTube, I am Creative Business Mindset Podcast. Uh, you can follow, listen, and the book is on Amazon, it's on um brands and oval, it's on Kindle. So just Google unmute yourself. You see the pink book with a black lady. That's me.

Share The Message And Closing

SPEAKER_00

The black, beautiful lady, I should add. Wonderful. Thank you. So thank you everyone for listening. Please share this with someone in your world that you know needs to hear this encouragement and go get the book. Until next time, have an amazing day.