Brain Power with Dr. Eko

Fatherhood, Autism, and Acceptance: Lessons from 26 Years of Love with Eric Williams

• Dr. Hokehe Eko

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Eric D. Williams is the Founder of Project Elijah Empowering Autism. PEEA is a nonprofit organization established in 2004 based out of West Philadelphia and named after his son Elijah (now 26 years old) who at the age of 3 was diagnosed with autism.

PEEA hosts free year-round education and recreation programs for families living with autism/unique abilities who reside in under-resourced communities.

Mr. Williams launched the autistic person area street sign initiative on January 23, 2024 for Philadelphia residents. Currently, there 150 signs have been installed. 

With 21 years of leading an autism foundation & 26 years of being a parent to Elijah has equipped Eric with the first hand knowledge to create unique and innovative methodologies to better serve unique abilities communities worldwide.

Social Media: @PEEA98

Email: elijah@peea.org

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Brain Power with Dr Echo, where each week, we discuss how your family can boost brain health by addressing mind, body, emotional and environmental health. Hi parents, welcome to another episode of Brain Power with Dr Echo. I have a wonderful guest with me today, mr Eric Williams. He's the founder of PIA and he's going to tell you what PIA means and why he started PIA, and introduce himself as always. So welcome to the show, mr Williams.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, glad to be here.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

So Project Elijah Empowering Autism PIA for short is the autism foundation that I created in 2004, based out of West Philadelphia, and is named after my son, elijah, who's now 26 and at the age of three he was diagnosed with autism. Pia. We host free, year-round education and recreation programs for individuals with autism, ages six and up. So we always be famous where they are, in a safe, nurturing and judgment-free manner, and we just continue to go. So we now intern our 21st year, which I'm excited about. I'm just doing the work. And then also, what's more important, my journey as a father. You know, elijah's 26.

Speaker 2:

And back then autism wasn't talked about a lot and back then I thought he was going to be like a rain man, he was going to have this diagnosis with a gift, but then the reality was he didn't have neither, but he did have the diagnosis. So just learning what it is. For the first few years I was basically in denial. You know I don't because I had two older sons at the time. They was typical, and here it is. Elijah was not typical, didn't do typical things, sensitive to touch, didn't communicate, just had a lot of behavior challenges and me trying to learn what that is. I struggled. I struggled for many years just trying to learn what was going on. And then, as a father, I felt like I was defeated, because here, it is our nature, we're problem solvers and we got to fix everything. And then now it is all of a sudden I had to take that, that sternness.

Speaker 2:

And then now a transition to being vulnerable, vulnerable all around what Elijah was doing, and then how he affected um in school, certain things that he couldn't do, that he wouldn't do, rather um, and then also at home. So it was just um, it was an eye opener, um, it made me appreciate myself as a parent, um, my due diligence of trying to do all of these things and won the diagnosis pushed for a diagnosis, got it. I didn't know what to do with it, in a nutshell, so I just felt like I was in a world of my own. And here it is now. I'm looking at this kid smiling all the time and doing all these things, but something wasn't just connecting. And doing all these things, but something wasn't just connecting. So that platform that I was living in was, at the time, my harsh reality.

Speaker 2:

But then, the blessing of it, the more things were challenged, the more I started to expand my mindset to say I still had to take care of my other two sons. How do I incorporate them? How do I nurture Elijah? I'm hugging my two sons and I can't hug my youngest son. So I was just trying to do different things and you know I went right off script which there was no script and then just try to, you know, manage it.

Speaker 2:

And as a father I started to come around on my own, started looking at things a little different. He taught me a lot of patience, positivity, prayer and it would just, it just been a monumental ride now. So if you were to look at Elijah at three to where he is at 26, it's almost like night and day. So I would gauge Elijah's education mindset as a first grader at best, but his socialization and interaction ism is is amazing. He can function in the mainstream like that. But then, as far as education, I have yet to really tap in to his reading, writing and those type of things, everything else he can do. So now, at 26, about to start the educational journey with him. So a little behind that, because back then Elijah was more of a behavior and then again, as I mentioned, as a father I was more in denial than anything. So I was holding myself back Once I released my own handcuffs, so to say. I was holding myself back Once I released my own handcuffs, so to say.

Speaker 1:

Now I started to learn from what it is that I was living. Wow, that is. Thank you for sharing that. I wanted to ask what was it that led you to going from being in denial to deciding to embrace it? What was, what happened? Was there a trigger? Or can you just tell us, because I'm sure lots of fathers are where you are in this, in the state of denial, and so I'm just curious what's what happened for?

Speaker 2:

you, I had so many tears that I was shedding. I felt like I couldn't shed another tear and then I felt like, you know, elijah has a good support system at home and although everybody rallied around, it was just me as a father, something that I couldn't do. So here it is. You know, we tasked with many things just in life, but then, when I couldn't conquer that, it triggered me A lot of anxiety. A lot of frustration, caused me to do a lot of things that I didn't really want to do.

Speaker 2:

Um, and then one day, um, elijah was having a temper tantrum, a meltdown, and he was just swinging and throwing punches and coming, you know, almost striking me and his brothers, and I just got really frustrated and I just clutched him and I just held him really tight. I was his personal, like a straight jacket in a sense. Elijah went to the ground. I went to the ground and I must have held him for almost two hours, literally Stroking his hair, trying to give that restraint, and I could feel his frustration coming through. And I just stroking his hair you know, biblically speaking, elijah's powers in his hair, rubbing his hair, didn't know what to do. My other son is crying on the couch. I'm doing this. I have my legs wrapped around, my arms wrapped around him and I was just whispering in his ear, like Elijah dad, like Elijah dad, love you. He, he, although he couldn't talk, he could understand everything that you say Elijah dad, love you. Um, you know, I can't have you doing this, trying to articulate it in a way that hopefully he gets it and and I just will be one of them remedies, don't try this at home, but this worked for me. And then he fell asleep. And he fell asleep after a couple hours and I was still on him. That wasn't the right thing. That was the frustration coming out. And then, when I finally let him go, and when he woke up he wasn't doing that. So I was like, wow, that didn't work, but maybe he just got tired or whatever. And then he started to be a little bit more calmer again. I wouldn't suggest that, because every situation is different, but at the time that worked for me. Um, and then not practical, the spur of the moment, that was a frustrating part.

Speaker 2:

The other side of it, the plus side, alijah had this infectious smile that, if you see him, you could tell something was trying to connect. So he would stare at you know your common, your light switch, the ceiling fans that he that he often did. You know stemming. But he had a smile with him that one day. I just looked at him. I was like, wow, like he's so happy where he is. All I'm doing is trying to push him to where, like my other sons, where I wanted him to be. But I was meeting elijah where he is, so we were staying over my mom's house. Um, elijah would just talk all through the night and I'm thinking I'm working, I can't get to sleep, my other sons can't get to sleep. She says, leave him alone. He's talking to God, he's talking to the angels. That's on his back and they're protecting him. So I was like, wait, okay, I let him talk.

Speaker 2:

But as I accepted that, I pulled back on some of those things that I would do, trying to give him that mean, look, taking him outside, and felt like I was embarrassed and I had to do something. Like Elijah had a passing gas situation and I went from making all of these excuses to now I would be like, oh, he had a hoagie last night. He had a pizza and he don't need to eat this and let's go warn him. Like you never pass gas. So I turned that part of it around. So now we got to accept it. So that was kind of you know, both in something really drastic to something that's really soothing. And as I calmed down I looked at him, I started to calm down more and my demeanor changed. My son's demeanor changed. Elijah's whole family start to be willing to be like, okay, this is where we are. We may not be able to change it, but there's live in it now.

Speaker 1:

Right, wow, that is so powerful. Just what you said about you were trying to push him towards hi visitor. That's one of my partners I call them my partners. She had to check on a senior partner. So just so powerful what you said about you were trying to push him to what your other sons were like. And then it was when all of you just decided actually with you I've been the example decided, you know, we'll just accept him where he is and everything else changed. That's so powerful.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then our peer programs. I always say those key statements to give their families some confidence safe, nurturing and judgment-free. We meet you where you are, not where we want you to be.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, yes, and I always tell my parents when I'm talking about the diagnosis is your child hasn't changed, your child is still your child, right? The diagnosis does not define your child, and it's our job as parents to see the potential of our children, right where they are and just and meet them there and and so, and to boost whatever it is we find that they are really good at. We boost that. So, like him, his, the smile, I'm sure, makes other people so happy when they see him. That's a gift to be able to smile, no matter I mean for most of the time and and so that's something we all take for granted. But that's, that's an amazing gift he can give people who he may not even know, right, and all he's doing is smiling at them. So, wow, that's so wonderful. So what would you tell a dad that is struggling with hearing that his son has autism and there's still a lot of dread around it and a lot of myths around what autism is and isn't? So what would you tell that dad?

Speaker 2:

Know that you're not alone, because chances are with you going through or going through somebody else went through it. So pack a lot of patience and then don't try to make the mistake that I did. Try to what we call mainstream them, because it may, and then shorten down the increments of what you feel like is a moral victory, like at the end of the day, I want elijah to read and write and live on their own and to push it with that being the end objective could be difficult. Short note task maybe tomorrow, maybe he learns how to go to the bathroom or he makes eye contact. So start with those, because there is. There are wins as well, and if you don't get that, then you gotta remind yourself of what it is that you're doing and how do you properly attain that and then learn how to incorporate yourself.

Speaker 2:

Um, with that and all of that comes of years of experience. But stay in it. Um, because I've talked to fathers who've taken on different responsibilities, whether it's a second or third job to alleviate them from caring for their loved one, or with the PIA program. Some fathers, they think all they need to do is get them to the program and then come back and pick them up. That's a job well done to them.

Speaker 2:

However, with Pia, we don't allow a parent drop off. You have to stay with your loved one the purpose of that so you can see what it is that we're doing and you can see a black father that's dedicated to not just my son, because when we do Pia, I I never with elijah, I'm always with everybody else, because I'm kind of the organizer, you know, putting together, handing meals out, taking to the bathroom so you can learn this, okay, and while you're there, something may register, and I always give nuggets, mainly to men. Hey, listen, you know your son. Well, he couldn't dribble a ball yesterday, but two weeks from now he can hold the ball. Three weeks from now he can put it down and not pick it up. So take that home and use that as family time.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

Because that could be key, you know. So we want like a school, we want this, what we're doing, to be an extension of that. So, as a father, I'm always pulling them hey, listen, what are you doing? How are you feeling? You can call me if you need to. So just to know that they have those type resources, whether or whether or not they actually use them, but to know another father out there that's going through.

Speaker 2:

And I always tell them I'm not exempt from the day in and day out, because I still go through that with Elijah. I just so happen to start a program, so that doesn't make me. I don't have the best of services. I still struggle, I still have to go through all of these things, whether it's coordination or transition programs, and then, yeah, I still got to sit and be being a dad at the end of the day. So when I go to these things, these conferences and these talks, everybody wants me to talk, I need to sit down and I need to decompress because I need to hear from other men like us, but it's all you know. At the end of the day, I always make myself transparent. I spoke with someone today and they said well, we have a father in North Carolina. Can we patch you guys together? Sure, but making myself a direct link to some things that could make a difference is all what I'm here for.

Speaker 1:

Yes, wow, that is so powerful what you're saying. So, yeah, dads listening, and even moms, and please share this episode with whoever is in your life that needs to hear it, because the fathers are so critical to the family and if we can get dads to move along in the healing journey from the shock, the dismay, the denial, the hurt of this is not what I planned, this is not what I thought, and I can't fix it, because I heard you say that you couldn't fix it and so it made you feel less than. And just to know that you're not alone and we can definitely reach out to Mr Eric, and so saying that please can you tell parents where they can find out more about your programs, are you only in Pennsylvania?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm sure. But before I do that I just want to add something. So I met with a couple last week and they were having communication challenges. The dad didn't get any kind of compassion from his spouse and then, let alone, he couldn't hug or have any kind of relationship. So he felt kind of isolated and every time that, because of that, every time he got to communicate, it was always harsh, it was always negative and it was a little jealousy there and then she felt like he wasn't doing enough and he just was at odds. And I just happened to come across the family. They reach out to me. So I said, well, what needs to happen is communication. And they both agree that they can't talk to each other. So I said, well, how about you do this? Get a journal, right. While he's with me, I'm going to write down what it is, my interactions were and how I felt we played ball today. He didn't talk to me. We did this we ate that, leave that at a common place. And then when she came home she read it okay, he did this, he did try. Um, they didn't eat bologna and cheese, they ate something else. Okay, let me give him a pass. He didn't do this what he was supposed to do.

Speaker 2:

But, however, their feedback started to improve because they were saying and even if they put harsh things in it's, the mindset actually changed. When you're reading something, you may get furious, but clashing and just verbally talking to it, it just escalated and it spiraled into we got to sleep in other rooms. I don't want to come home. You do this because you never felt like I'm too good enough. I got to do more. I'm tasked myself with this moment of denial. I can't help you. I need more. You know what I mean. But if you read it and you both agree to have set time read it and you both agree to have set time to discuss what you guys read, maybe the filters and the blunders could come off a little bit and the deceptive could be more, because at the end of the day, it's all about the loved one and they shouldn't be penalized, right? So I just wanted to add that part of it.

Speaker 2:

But those little tips and tricks, you know they come from everyday experiences. So, um, others they. So we're in. Currently we're in Pennsylvania, philadelphia. However, our network, it goes state to state, um, so if there's something opportunity that we're not there, and in whatever city, then we're kind of, you know, make those connections and do that.

Speaker 2:

But for now, as far as the day-to-day things, if it's something for a dad, it's something for a you know, a relationship, or even we do. We do clinics in person but we could offer them virtually, like we did during COVID. So those may have sensory issues where, for example, they may not play basketball, go to a gym. It felt like it's, you know, it's an overstimulated situation. They could be somewhere in a driveway bouncing their ball or doing exercise or playing tennis or just making friends. We can do that virtually. So my website is wwwpeeaorg. Email address Elijah E-L-I-J-A-H at P-E-E-A dot org. So they can reach out either way, send me a message and then someone from my team and myself we'll get the message and then we'll, you know, have a basic intake call and then, you know, we'll deploy whatever is needed.

Speaker 1:

Wonderful. So parents listening to this please reach out. You are a wealth of information and resources, and thank you for adding in that relationship tip, because it is true, even statistically, that marriages suffer a lot when there's a child who has been diagnosed with autism. And so thank you for what you're doing to strengthen my parents, their communication, because it also impacts the child. Which you'll probably see and hear more than you think they do.

Speaker 2:

Right right.

Speaker 1:

Right, and if there's things not going on right in the home, it's impacting them definitely in their behavior, in the way their brain functions, everything. So parents reach out and please share this episode with whoever needs to hear this, and thank you again, mr Williams, for coming on. Really appreciate it.

Speaker 2:

You're welcome and it's my pleasure, thank you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, okay, everyone, until the next episode, take care.